


I don't know who you are but I'm with you

by madsmurf



Series: Erik Lehnsherr's Playlist For Charles Xavier [3]
Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Bitter ending, Elplaylistforcx, Gen, Inspired by Music, M/M, Memory Loss, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-04
Updated: 2011-12-04
Packaged: 2017-10-26 20:41:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/287635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madsmurf/pseuds/madsmurf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hates that he can't remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't know who you are but I'm with you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ninemoons42](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninemoons42/gifts).



> For PJ, even though I never meant for it to be so sad. Inspired by the song I’m With You by Avril Lavinge. Also a part of Erik Lehnsherr’s playlist for Charles Xavier.  
> WARNING: character death. Bucket loads of angst. Repetition. Probably change of tenses. Unbeated.

_I don't know who you are / but I'm with you_

He doesn't understand. One day he is smiling, laughing even, then there is nothing. Just a blank. He tries to think what could have caused it but he can't even remember his own name. He knows he should but he can't. Everything is just not there, even though he knows that it shouldn't be like that. It frustrates him, but mostly it confuses him and he cries. He doesn't like it when this happens, it just becomes too much too handle and he has to let it out somehow. No matter how much he hates it. Sometimes he is quick enough with his emotions that he can destroy something before he cries. It stops the tears from coming. Being angry was better than being sad.

He meets Erik. Erik calls him Charles. He doesn't think he could be a Charles, he likes to think that maybe he is an Arthur. He doesn't tell Erik this. He thinks maybe it would upset Erik. Erik always looks so...broken? He doesn't ask why, he doesn't know Erik at all so he has no right to pry. Instead he plays chess with Erik. It doesnt make him so confused, and Erik doesn't look so broken when he plays it with him. It is nice when Erik smiles. Not that Erik smiles much around him. He doesn't understand why Erik would not like his company. He asks Erik and Erik goes a funny white colour and quickly, almost desperately, tells him that it wasn't his fault. He can't help but thinks that it might be partly his fault, if only he could remember. He avoids the topic as he trusts Erik. He doesn't know why. Yet that doesn't matter, not really, because he has a feeling that he had trusted Erik before back when he didn't forget, and that is all that matters.

 _take me by the hand / take me somewhere new_

He doesn't like the way she looks at him when she thinks he isn't looking. She looks at him as though he was going to break down completely. He hates those looks. They make him wish he knew who he was. Maybe if he knew she would stop. He knew her name was Raven and that she likes it when they lie under a tree. He likes it too. She tells him stories of the man he use to be. He likes to think he was a nice person. He likes believing that, even if for a little while.

 _It's a damned cold night / trying to figure out this damn life_

"Erik?"

Erik looks up from moving his black pawn. "Yes Charles"

He looks down at where Erik's hand is hovering over the board, fingers curled around the pawn half heartedly. "Will I ever remember?"

Erik seems to freeze and he notices the way Erik struggles for the right words. "I..."

He smiles sadly, reaching forward and places his hand over eriks hand that is resting beside the chessboard. "It's okay if you say yes, I probably won't remember in the morning"

He pretends to not notice the tears or the way Erik clings to his hand, or the way Erik chokes on his name. "Charles"

 _Why is everything so confusing / maybe I'm just out of my mind_

Sometimes, if he thinks hard enough he can remember the screeching of car brakes. The heat of the flames. And if he really tries hard enough, he can hear a man, perhaps it was the man that called himself Erik, whisper that he loved him. At those times he cries and cries and cries until he cant possibly cry anymore. He hates not knowing. Hates not remembering. Hates when they all stay silent about what happened back then. Sometimes they slip and tell him things. Like how he used to be a telepath. That he had been on his way to being a brilliant professor, one of the worlds best. That he had been outstanding at chess. Other times they don't know he is there and he hears things that make him wish he could just remember things longer. He hears them say things like how they wished it was easier. That they wondered if he was ever going to recover. That they wondered what would have happened if one of them had been in the car with him, if that would have changed anything. The man that called himself Erik stared at the crack of the door, as though he could see him listening in. The women that called themselves Raven and Moria cried and kicked and screamed at the unfairness of it all. The others, he couldn't remember their names and he hated that, sat on the couches and cursed at the world.

 _I'm looking for a place / I'm searching for a face_

"Erik?"

"Charles?"

"I love you"

"...c-Charles"

"Erik I thought, I'm sorry, I thought you felt the same way"

"I do Charles, I do"

"Then why are you crying?"

"You won't..."

"I won't what Erik? Won't stop loving you? Because I won't"

"I...I wish I could believe that, Charles, I really do"

"Then why won't you!"

"Because you wont remember in the morning"

 _I'm listening but there is no sound / nothing is going right and everything is a mess_

One day he is smiling, laughing even, then there is nothing. Just a blank. He tries to think what could have caused it but he can't even remember his own name. He knows he should but he can't. He's bald, and aged with wrinkles he doesn't remember. He wanders his house and looks at all the photos and it makes him incredibly sad that he can't remember. He notices the photos of a man he can't seem to find. When he asks about the man, the name Erik was on the back of them all, she looks as though she is fighting back tears and she takes him to a graveyard. He stays there all day wishing he knew who Erik was and why it made him so sad that Erik wasn't by his side. He stays there and weeps, for Erik and for the memories he wished he had. He stays there until the sun sets and the woman, Raven, comes back for him. She hugs him and tells him Erik had gone from old age, with him by his side.

He hates that he can't remember.


End file.
